I'm having a bit of an existentialist crisis, currently.  I'm feeling a bit lost, to be honest.  All my life I've been focused on who I was going to be when I grow up.  And I have picked up and discarded careers as if they were pebbles on the beach.  Picking each one up, and examining it, and asking "Is this the one?  Is this who I AM?"

Bouncing back and forth on acting.  After all, it was my passion, in a big way.  And then I got into the real world, and realized that it is hard.  And frustrating.  And poor.  And mean.  Well, maybe not mean, but certainly cold.  And it left me feeling a little less.

Then I thought, I need to Do Something Good.  That's it!  If I am to be a Good Person, then I need to have a Good Job.  So I've been frantically picking up stones and turning them over, trying to find the right fit.  I want to Save The World.  So, I'll do something international.  And I began trotting down that path, eventually ending up working with impressive people, even meeting Impressive People.

But I have learned, the closer you get to something, the more complicated it gets.  Conflict, anger, disrespect.  And I wonder, is anything Good being done?  And yes, of course I am sure it is, but it gets all tied up with human beings.  Because we, as human beings, are certainly not perfect.  And even a perfect idea gets pretty messy when humans get involved with it.

I begin to wonder if Doing Good in the world is even really possible.  Or is it just a way to alleviate our own egos?  Yes, you can feed people.  And heal them.  But it seems like the basic problems are still there.  Corruption, conflict, war, power-mongering.  

But yes, I do think that doing something, anything, can help.  I don't want to sound totally bleak here.  Though the help that can be given is slow in creating change, much like the river carving out the Grand Canyon.  Sure, you can make something majestic, if you have a few thousand or million years.

Which really takes me back to, why do I want to have a career where I Do Good?  Is it because I feel drawn to that, that it represents my inner longings?  Because I believe that we should follow our hearts, and what our heart guides us to, is often where we can make the biggest impact, the biggest difference.  And I'm really grateful that there are many hearts out there pulled to make a difference in those far away places.

But the honest truth is, I think I want a job where I Do Good because I'm caught up in this idea that our culture dishes out which is What We Do = Who We Are.  Hi, my name's Joe and I'm a plumber.  My name's Maria and I'm the President.  This is who we ARE.  So, if I have a job that is Good, then it means that I am Good.

But really, when it comes down to the core of our humanity, is there really a difference between the plumber and the president?  I mean, perhaps there is, but it isn't because of the job that they do.  The job they do is just how they spend their time. 

Who they ARE comes out in the details.  How they treat the crazy person that comes up to them muttering on the street, or the way they pause and hold the door open for the person behind them.  It is in these tiny details that who we are, our humanity, comes out.  And how we do our job, the love and care that we put into it, or the anger and resentment, define who we are.  And whether we live our lives in a state of joy, or a state of anger.  That is who we are.  Not our title.

Which is great.  And beautiful.  And all of that.

But back to my crisis.

My entire life, I have looked to My Career to be the focal point of my life, how I make my mark, prove myself, and become loved by millions.  Now that I'm realizing that all of that is pretty much an illusion, that there is no perfection, that anything one pursue's will be filled with drama and conflict if one is focused on Being Someone Important, instead of just doing what makes their heart sing.  

So now, I've lost my compass.  What do I do?  And I mean do, small 'd' not Do.  Or maybe I do mean Do.  Do I try to make a difference?  Do I focus on doing what makes me happy and brings me joy?  Do I focus on spending time with all the wonderful people in my life, while I have them in my life?

If I am not A Career, than what am I?

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