I'm going to do this.

I stumbled across a site,, that for each day of the month of December, you're given a prompt of something to reflect on in the year past, and I believe the year to come.  The tag line for the site is "reflect on this year & manifest what's next".  And I totally groove with that.  So, IT'S ON.  Get ready for a rock-rollin good time of me musing about the year behind and the year ahead.

I really appreciated why the woman started this last year.  Her mom died on November 30th when she was in sixth grade, so every year since then, the holidays have been a sad time.  Understandably.  But last year, she decided to change that.  She decided to make it a celebration.

And I'm down with that.

It made me think of how I always get so stressed out and worked up around the holidays, and how I've totally lost touch with how fun it used to be as a child.  This is the end of the year, a time of celebrating those that are in our lives that we love, and all the wonderful gifts we have been given in the past year, as well as to reflect on how wonderful we want the next year to be.

Yes, I think I could do with an attitude change around Christmas.  So let's get this ON.

Prompts from last year include reflecting on great trips, books, articles, and challenges from the past year.  My personal favorite is What was your epiphany for the year?  I hope that shows up again.  Though I'm not really hot on the "what ad made you think this year".  Blah.

But 2010 has been an amazing year, and I knew it would be.  Last December, I could feel something was shifting, and my New Years Eve party was a great omen for the coming year, and a great way to bring it on in.

This year I've begun to totally change my life.  I've changed my eating habits.  I've lost 30 pounds.  I've quit my job.  I've planned my business.  I've changed my attitude.  And I'm ready to begin.

Here's to 2011, a year of blossoms from the seeds that I've planted and sewn in 2010.
So I've been listening to a lot of Law of Attraction stuff lately, specifically Abraham-Hicks stuff.  I mean, how new-agey can you get?  Not only talking about manifesting your desires by changing your energy vibration, but this information is being CHANNELED from a medium who is tapping into a wiser soul-entity group called Abraham.  Yeah, sounds far out, but I totally buy into that shit.

It was funny, because one of the suggestions they have I had actually thought up myself a few months earlier.  Or perhaps I channeled it, who knows?  Anyway, I'm putting it to use, and it is great.  And I want to share it with you, oh dear mysterious reader.

Meet my Manager, Mikey.  Or Malcolm.  Or Matt.  I've decided to rename him at my whim with another name starting with an M.  It's our thing.

I tend to get overwhelmed with all the little things I need to do.  But a birthday present.  Answer my e-mails.  Clean the bathtub.  Get that bill situation straightened out.  These little naggling nuggets really wear me down, and just cause me to want to escape into the vortex of my TV screen.

And that's where my Manager comes in.

I am now dictating to him all the things I need done, and am just letting him take care of it.  I've given him a team to work with, and he can delegate as needed.  And, if he needs action from me on anything, or a decision, he can come to me and let me know.  But otherwise, I'm just trusting him to take care of it.

It's been great.  The stress relief is profound.  And you know what, it is actually WORKING. 

Every now and again I'll get inspired to do something.  Like an idea for that birthday gift.  I know when I get that tapping, it's Mikey saying, yep, time for this now!  And I'll take care of it.  Great that he came up with the idea, and just put it in my head, and it's done.  I don't have to spend hours mulling over it.  Things just seem to be taking care of themselves, and the stuff I need to do, happens when I'm in a place where I'm motivated to do it.

That is the thing I've realized about this, is when that thought comes through my head to do something, I know that it means it is time to do it, so I get it taken care of then.  Because I realize that Mikey has discovered that that moment is the perfect moment to do it.  And then it is done!

Every now and again I want to pull one of those tasks back and chew on it, not actually getting anything done on it, but just stressing over it getting done.  But then I realize that it is disrespectful to Mikey.  After all, he's working so hard on it, I really shouldn't micro-manage him.

And you know what else I figured out?  He lives for this shit.  I think this is his passion, he loves helping out, whisking little tasks away from me, and finding ingenious ways to get them done.  So, who am I to deprive him of this?

I recommend to you, dear reader, to get your own Manager Mikey.  Or Mathilda.  Or Bob.  Whatever works for you.  You may find that some of the stuff that is on your mental to do list doesn't really need to get done.  But it's great, because you don't have to worry about that.  Let you Manager just handle everything, after all, he's got a team of employees to help him.

Then you can just sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever it is you are doing.  And live in the present moment.
Occasionally I think about this blog.  Yes, dear reader, only occasionally.  Anyway, as I think about this blog, I think of how I've neglected it.  That I should right SOMEthing here.  But this blog never really collected around much of a theme.  Except a sense of self-fascination.

I really would like this to be a place where I can just be whatever, whomever, and throw it all up in your faces.  I totally understand that this is not a blog that someone would follow.  Except, perhaps, my dear friend Johnny who awaits every word that drips from my lips.  (And nod to you, Johnny, your recent blog posting frenzy inspired me to type again).

So I suppose the value of this blog is really to me, a way for me to empty out the muck in my head.  And, if there are any voyeurs out there, they can take a peak.

So, there you have it, I suppose.  Perhaps I will immediately write another post dribbling out more words.

And perhaps not.
I'm having a bit of an existentialist crisis, currently.  I'm feeling a bit lost, to be honest.  All my life I've been focused on who I was going to be when I grow up.  And I have picked up and discarded careers as if they were pebbles on the beach.  Picking each one up, and examining it, and asking "Is this the one?  Is this who I AM?"

Bouncing back and forth on acting.  After all, it was my passion, in a big way.  And then I got into the real world, and realized that it is hard.  And frustrating.  And poor.  And mean.  Well, maybe not mean, but certainly cold.  And it left me feeling a little less.

Then I thought, I need to Do Something Good.  That's it!  If I am to be a Good Person, then I need to have a Good Job.  So I've been frantically picking up stones and turning them over, trying to find the right fit.  I want to Save The World.  So, I'll do something international.  And I began trotting down that path, eventually ending up working with impressive people, even meeting Impressive People.

But I have learned, the closer you get to something, the more complicated it gets.  Conflict, anger, disrespect.  And I wonder, is anything Good being done?  And yes, of course I am sure it is, but it gets all tied up with human beings.  Because we, as human beings, are certainly not perfect.  And even a perfect idea gets pretty messy when humans get involved with it.

I begin to wonder if Doing Good in the world is even really possible.  Or is it just a way to alleviate our own egos?  Yes, you can feed people.  And heal them.  But it seems like the basic problems are still there.  Corruption, conflict, war, power-mongering.  

But yes, I do think that doing something, anything, can help.  I don't want to sound totally bleak here.  Though the help that can be given is slow in creating change, much like the river carving out the Grand Canyon.  Sure, you can make something majestic, if you have a few thousand or million years.

Which really takes me back to, why do I want to have a career where I Do Good?  Is it because I feel drawn to that, that it represents my inner longings?  Because I believe that we should follow our hearts, and what our heart guides us to, is often where we can make the biggest impact, the biggest difference.  And I'm really grateful that there are many hearts out there pulled to make a difference in those far away places.

But the honest truth is, I think I want a job where I Do Good because I'm caught up in this idea that our culture dishes out which is What We Do = Who We Are.  Hi, my name's Joe and I'm a plumber.  My name's Maria and I'm the President.  This is who we ARE.  So, if I have a job that is Good, then it means that I am Good.

But really, when it comes down to the core of our humanity, is there really a difference between the plumber and the president?  I mean, perhaps there is, but it isn't because of the job that they do.  The job they do is just how they spend their time. 

Who they ARE comes out in the details.  How they treat the crazy person that comes up to them muttering on the street, or the way they pause and hold the door open for the person behind them.  It is in these tiny details that who we are, our humanity, comes out.  And how we do our job, the love and care that we put into it, or the anger and resentment, define who we are.  And whether we live our lives in a state of joy, or a state of anger.  That is who we are.  Not our title.

Which is great.  And beautiful.  And all of that.

But back to my crisis.

My entire life, I have looked to My Career to be the focal point of my life, how I make my mark, prove myself, and become loved by millions.  Now that I'm realizing that all of that is pretty much an illusion, that there is no perfection, that anything one pursue's will be filled with drama and conflict if one is focused on Being Someone Important, instead of just doing what makes their heart sing.  

So now, I've lost my compass.  What do I do?  And I mean do, small 'd' not Do.  Or maybe I do mean Do.  Do I try to make a difference?  Do I focus on doing what makes me happy and brings me joy?  Do I focus on spending time with all the wonderful people in my life, while I have them in my life?

If I am not A Career, than what am I?





Well, I had It.  But then I lost It.  Doesn't that just figure?  I think it had something to do with living in the moment.  Or listening to my body.  Or something.  New Agey to be sure.

Anyway, sorry about that.  False alarm.  Go about your business.  Nothing to see here.



1 Comment


Ha!  See?  I warned you I might not keep up with this blog thing.  And here it is, over a month before you have heard a peep from me.  That's really the way to maintain an audience.

Why have I remained mute?  Several reasons.  Probably top most is that I don't really know what I'm doing here.  I feel like I should have a PLAN, a THEME.  But plans and themes restrict me, and I quit them.  But still, I feel like I should.  And the thought that I should have one also restricts me.  Yes, I really am a nutcase.

I suppose that I'll just give it time, and let whatever arises arise.  I suppose my useless babbling will be what you will receive, and hopefully it will be amusing or entertaining or thought provoking.  And perhaps eventually some cohesive thought will form, which will evolve into a theme.  And perhaps not.  Perhaps the theme is just My Life, and I need to feel that that is good enough.

But that, of course, is just it.  Is My Life good enough?  As of late, I have realized that I've been struggling against myself, and against my life.  Stress, baby, stress. This has added, I think, to my recently diagnosed borderline hypertension.  I have pills and everything.  At age 31.  Its crazy.  I know I really need to figure out Whatever It Is that I'm supposed to figure out.

I feel like the blood pressure issue is a flag, saying, hey you aren't getting It!  Things are beginning to get worse!  Wake up!

I've been working really hard lately, trying to come to grips with the blocks that I have in my life.  Usually, I tend to learn from things and grow pretty easily.  But there are a few areas where I ride the Short Bus.  The big ones are romantic relationships and my body.  I know that the two are interconnected.  I'm perpetually single, and perpetually overweight.  And I feel like the two are connected, because it is pretty easy for me to lose weight when I'm in a relationship.

So I've been thinking and thinking.  And thinking.  And digging, and lots of other things that end in -ing.   And then I got it.  It! 

At least, I think I got It.

But It will have to wait.  Until next time...